Too Much Information Vol. V: Not about my comma or my semicolon...
I've been having my period every day for about the last seven or eight weeks. Ladies, I know what you're thinking: "Wow, BPW. That sounds like a blast! I don't think I spend enough money on tampons. How can I, too, be on the rag every glorious day of the year?" I'm sure you men are thinking the same thing: "You're saying that I could have a girlfriend or wife with PMS every single day? That is AWESOME! Where can we sign up?"
Friends, it's easy. Just readjust your birth control in a way that is supposed to make your monthly visitor come four times a year rather than 12. That way, you are guaranteed to never stop bleeding ever -- with the added bonus of getting to spend more money on birth control throughout the year. Why isn't everyone doing this???
My odyssey with neverending menstruation began back in March when I decided I didn't want to deal with Aunt Flo while moving cross-country (<--ha! I've often made fun of that euphemism, but after typing it, I don't think it's all that bad. Still, I would never say it out loud. Just so you know). Sitting in a car all day, every day for a week with bloating and cramps? I think I'll pass. After some research (check out The Well-Timed Period) I learned I could skip my ring-free week -- the week when I would menstruate -- by putting in a new ring for another three weeks. I could continue skipping the ring-free week two more times before actually having a ring-free week -- meaning that I would only menstruate once every 12 weeks. Sweet.
I know the birth control pill Seasonale exists for this very reason -- to reduce the number of times one menstruates, but I'm not organized enough to remember to take a pill every day. Dude, when I was looking at houses I forgot I had a pet rabbit, for crying out loud -- and I've had him for four years. (When people asked if I had any pets, the rabbit totally vanished from my mind. I'm such a bad bunny mom.) Yeah, there's no way I could take a pill daily (at the same time every day, no less).
Anyway, skipping the ring-free worked the first time: no period, no break-through bleeding. Then a few weeks later, on my second day in Missoula, all hell broke loose...in my pants. Too graphic for you? Tough taters, honey -- I've cleaned out the grocery store's stock of Playtex tampons and I'm pissed.
Two weeks ago I had a Saturday morning pap smear (note to self: do not get so loaded the night before your next annual exam. The speculum only intensifies the feeling that your insides are ganging up against you to rectify the wrongs you inflicted on them with all that vodka and tequila). I was a little nervous that the doctor wouldn't be able to do the exam, what with all the madness in my nether regions, but, luckily, she was able to get a swab; lord knows I would like to limit pelvic exams to a once-a-year extravaganza. (On an unrelated note, I was at a used furniture store yesterday where they had an old gyno's table, complete with stirrups, for sale. How would that be for a conversation piece in your living room?).
I asked my doctor if it was okay to skip my ring-free weeks; she said that the FDA has not approved the practice...then she whispered, "But all the OB-GYNs who work here do it." She said that they all had issues with breakthrough bleeding, but it ended up working for them. That gave me hope. Maybe I won't be surfing the crimson tide until I qualify for AARP after all.
However, I am still crossing my fingers that a kind and benevolent god pulls a little switcheroo and allows men to experience the joys and wonders of menstruation for a few months -- or for all eternity, I'm cool with either.
Friends, it's easy. Just readjust your birth control in a way that is supposed to make your monthly visitor come four times a year rather than 12. That way, you are guaranteed to never stop bleeding ever -- with the added bonus of getting to spend more money on birth control throughout the year. Why isn't everyone doing this???
My odyssey with neverending menstruation began back in March when I decided I didn't want to deal with Aunt Flo while moving cross-country (<--ha! I've often made fun of that euphemism, but after typing it, I don't think it's all that bad. Still, I would never say it out loud. Just so you know). Sitting in a car all day, every day for a week with bloating and cramps? I think I'll pass. After some research (check out The Well-Timed Period) I learned I could skip my ring-free week -- the week when I would menstruate -- by putting in a new ring for another three weeks. I could continue skipping the ring-free week two more times before actually having a ring-free week -- meaning that I would only menstruate once every 12 weeks. Sweet.
I know the birth control pill Seasonale exists for this very reason -- to reduce the number of times one menstruates, but I'm not organized enough to remember to take a pill every day. Dude, when I was looking at houses I forgot I had a pet rabbit, for crying out loud -- and I've had him for four years. (When people asked if I had any pets, the rabbit totally vanished from my mind. I'm such a bad bunny mom.) Yeah, there's no way I could take a pill daily (at the same time every day, no less).
Anyway, skipping the ring-free worked the first time: no period, no break-through bleeding. Then a few weeks later, on my second day in Missoula, all hell broke loose...in my pants. Too graphic for you? Tough taters, honey -- I've cleaned out the grocery store's stock of Playtex tampons and I'm pissed.
Two weeks ago I had a Saturday morning pap smear (note to self: do not get so loaded the night before your next annual exam. The speculum only intensifies the feeling that your insides are ganging up against you to rectify the wrongs you inflicted on them with all that vodka and tequila). I was a little nervous that the doctor wouldn't be able to do the exam, what with all the madness in my nether regions, but, luckily, she was able to get a swab; lord knows I would like to limit pelvic exams to a once-a-year extravaganza. (On an unrelated note, I was at a used furniture store yesterday where they had an old gyno's table, complete with stirrups, for sale. How would that be for a conversation piece in your living room?).
I asked my doctor if it was okay to skip my ring-free weeks; she said that the FDA has not approved the practice...then she whispered, "But all the OB-GYNs who work here do it." She said that they all had issues with breakthrough bleeding, but it ended up working for them. That gave me hope. Maybe I won't be surfing the crimson tide until I qualify for AARP after all.
However, I am still crossing my fingers that a kind and benevolent god pulls a little switcheroo and allows men to experience the joys and wonders of menstruation for a few months -- or for all eternity, I'm cool with either.
posted by BPDubs at 12:00 PM
2 Comments:
"Moving cross-country" is a euphemism? Sorry, you don't deserve that kind of early morning bad joke.
It's funny that you should post this. I was just reading an online article about this exact subject, and thinking how great it sounded. Of course all the women interviewed just love, love, loved it and never had any problems. Bitches.
P.S. Don't worry too much about forgetting the rabbit. It's a natural response to a landlord asking about pets, even if you maintain a small zoo in your home.
Lily - Exactly -- I read about women who skip their periods on purpose, and, gee, what freedom they had! They could run and swim and do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted! Hell, they could do all the things that women do in tampon commercials (horseback riding, wearing white, etc.)! What a load of crap.
As long as I know that someone else occasionally forgets their pets, then I won't lose any more sleep over my poor mothering skills.
JB - Hey, good to hear from you! Thanks for ruining my day!
No, really it is good to hear from you. I'm somewhat making the adjustment to my new life...I'm currently living in two houses (I'm actually sitting next to my just-assembled bed frame & headboard in one of my houses). I'm still in the throes of a quarter-life crisis, though. I'll have to explain later. At least the more permanent of my two residences is freaking cute.
As for Aunt Flo, I never ever ever heard my mother utter those words. My mom is not one more euphemisms...she's pretty blunt. So, Aunt Flo was more like "Christ, it's my damn period." Sweet, huh?
By the way, in case anyone was wondering, our long national nightmare is over: my period finally stopped last week. For now, at least.
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