Too Much Information, Vol. I: Ceruminous Ruminations

This post is the first in, what I anticipate to be, a series of posts of what some would call "personal information." These are items that are easy to share in this format because, well, I can't see your looks of disgust. I'll talk to my friends about some of these things, but it's usually against their will. Read on, if you can; it's a happy fun post, I promise!

A little bit of background: A few years ago there was a particulary funny sketch on MadTV. That I even caught this episode is remarkable given that (1) I only watch Fox for The Simpsons and (2) how often am I awake/sober/conscious past 11pm?

The sketch was a PSA spoof. The narrator intoned seriously about a craze sweeping the nation, enveloping teens in its seedy grip. Kids all across America were shown meeting in dark alleys and sneaking into their stash boxes for ... Q-tips with which to clean their ears. Yep, ear-swabbing as the next crack cocaine: it's dangerous; it's dirty; it's deeply satisfying.

That sketch has stuck with me because it was so hilarious and so true (meanwhile, I have a hard time remembering my parents' phone number; the knowledge the mind holds onto...). Cleaning out your ears is like a good sneeze; sometimes it just feels so good and, sometimes, interesting stuff comes out of your head.

Since the 4th of July, I've been battling a cold, and when I'm ill, my ears get waxy (if that sentence doesn't turn you on, I don't know what will). The wax factor got to be more than I could bear the other day at work, so I sauntered over to the planetarium to borrow (ha, like she would want them back) some crazy long cotton swabs from the celestial goddess (she uses them to clean the star ball. Jealous that you don't have a star ball at work? I thought so.). As I walked back to my office, I announced, "Judge me if you will, but I am going to stick these Q-tips in my ears and it's going to feel good."

As I marched back to my desk with things in my ears, the admin assistant uttered the words that would change my life. She rolled her chair away from her desk toward my office and said in a hushed voice:

"Have you ever tried an ear candle?"

I'd heard of ear candles, but never really knew what they did. Administrative Wonder explained how you light these long candles, put one in your ear, and let the candle draw out all of your inner ear gunk. Intrigued, I asked if it was as satisfying as swabbing.

She smiled, nodded, and said,"It's addictive."

Well, that sold me. Better than swabbing? Must...find...ear candles, I thought. So, the next day I went to the whole foods store and searched high and low for the candles -- well, mostly low, as I'm only 5' 1". Since I only see things at eye level or lower, I had to ask a salesperson for the candles -- a top-shelf item, for some reason -- which was a little embarassing. Especially so given that she was with two other clerks who all loudly said the words "ear candle" at least 20 times after I asked.

I read the directions on the package, which, interestingly enough, state that the ear candles "are not to be used for fun or entertainment." Really? I organized my whole night around the candles -- was going to have some people over, maybe make a nice bean dip, and remove cerumen from my ear canal with my loved ones. I mean, the package does also say "never use Ear Candles without a second person with you." So why not make it a party?

I didn't have a second person with me, just my fur kids, but I went for it anyway. As I lay on the couch with a flaming stick poking out of my head, Ernie gave me a few funny looks. He really sat in front of me, head tilted, and with a look in his eyes that said,"I don't believe it. I am the only intelligent one in this apartment."

Well, Ernie be damned (shh, don't tell him I said that. He'll claw my toes off in my sleep.). Those candles were awesome. I barely felt a thing; my ear just got a little warm. The amount of junk removed from my ears was ... astonishing. I feel better knowing that it's not all still in there, and I can hear a little better, too. What's more is that the directions say that some people use three candles per ear per session.

I haven't seen it, but supposedly there is a demonstration video on the ear candle website, if you want to see what this is all about (watching the video may be even be a little too weird for me). If you, too, suffer from excess earwax, give the candle a try. You can use them as often as you would like; as the directions state, "Trust yourself. Use your intuition." (The instructions also say: "Do not use Ear Candles without consulting with your doctor beacause our beliefs are not consistent with the medical establishment (even though the doctors have only 60 years of experience and natural healing has thousands of years of experience)." Yeah, I had a lot of time to study these instructions as wax was sucked from my head and my cat silently judged me.).

So, that's my first TMI post. I already have a topic in mind for Volume II, but I don't want to overwhelm (or overly gross out, whatever) anyone with it yet. My clean ears and I are going to bed now.

PS -- Weather dude just said we're going to have "squally weather" all night. That's my kind of man, making up words when he can't think of the real ones.