This one's for all the little chilluns
Sometimes kids are cute enough to make me want to get my own, but then I encounter a hyperactive, disobedient, moronic child who gets his foot so severely stuck in a planetarium seat that the seat must be dismantled in order to disengage his foot. At that point, I am ever so happy to be celibate (however unwillingly that may be) and pleased with my new birth control.
This week, though, I've encountered a few more of the hideously cute kids than I have of the sticky space cadet kids (do you remember the Mike Myers SNL skit, the Hyper Hypo, where he was a hyperactive kid bungeed to the jungle gym? Sometimes I feel like the jungle gym.). When the camp counselors have a sick child, they bring them to my office. Rarely are these children legitimately sick -- they're in a fight with their friends; they don't like their counselors, they don't want to go outside; or they just want to hang out with me because I'm so freaking cool. I really am. I mean, I do have a big comfy chair and every Dr. Seuss book, so I could see why kids would want to chill with me. Plus, I rarely make them do my work or take my phone calls.
The first cute kid of the week was Alice. I've known Alice for two years and now she's a big bad 7-year-old. I know I shouldn't say it, but she's always been one of my favorites. Her parents are big hippies and the whole family is just hilarious. Alice was in my office for a "stomach ache," but I think she just wanted to go home early because she was having a sleepover. Alice and I chatted for a solid hour. How often can you talk to a 7-year-old for that long? I have yet to accomplish the same feat with my own grandmother. The highlight of our conversation:
"So, Alice, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
(Seriously pondering this question.) "A masseuse. Definitely a masseuse."
"Really? A masseuse. Why do you want to be a mass--"
(She cuts me off.) "Or a lawyer. I want to be a lawyer, too."
"Wow, you're going to be really busy. How are you going to find time to--"
(She cuts me off again.) "I also want to be a gymnastics coach. I want to be a masseuse, a lawyer, and a gymnastics coach. But when I'm a teenager, I want to be a waitress."
I envy Alice. She has it all figured out.
The other really cute kid this week was another 7-year-old, Sabrina, who "hurt all over." We couldn't call her mom, though, because her mom's an anchor on the news and was, well, doing the news. Her parents are getting separated, and the poor kid has been having some issues. Plus, the A/C crashed in their classroom, sending the indoor temperature to 87 degrees, so I can see why she didn't want to hang out in there longer than she had to.
Sabrina is one of those kids who is full of questions. My phone would ring and Sabrina would be asking in the background,"Who are you talking to? Did they find a turtle with no mom? What's their favorite color?". She was loads of fun. She started giving me all sorts of tips on running the Nature Center. She thought that we should be open all the time, and not just for summer camp (which we are); she thought we should bring back the Halloween walk because her birthday is in late October (that walk was hell on earth; it will never happen again, no matter how cute she is); and she thought we were way better than our "rival" nature center (which we are).
She then took me out to the Museum to give me some tips on our exhibits. I was pretty impressed that, though, she had only been at the Nature Center for a few days of camp, she already grasped that the vast majority of our animals live there because they have a permanent injury. We have a massive aquarium that has nothing in it yet. Sabrina's thoughts on our newest exhibit:
"You could fill it with water, and then if someone finds a lobster without a claw, you could put it in there. Then if someone else finds a snail that doesn't have a shell, you could put it in the tank with the lobster, then the lobster wouldn't be lonely any more!"
I like that. The thought of a claw-less lobster making friends with a shell-less snail makes me warm inside. Raffi could write a song about them.
When Sabrina left my office to go to lunch with the kids in her camp, she told me she had fun with me, which was totally not the point. I don't want word spreading around the campers that I'm actually a nice person, then they'll have no reason to fear getting sent to my office when they misbehave. I also don't want the counselors thinking I'm not an uber-bitch because if anyone needs to fear me, it's them. But it still made me feel good. I'd much rather hang out with Alice and Sabrina than try to think of ways to make up the up-coming $70,000 budget shortfall.
But then some kid has to go and get his leg stuck in a chair, and all my happy kid thoughts are just puked on, just like the picnic tables were caught in the line of vomitory fire yesterday by some other snotnosed brat (I really believe he was hurling for fun and to make us clean up after him.). The only good part of kids like that is that you get to give them back at the end of the day. I don't need kids; my life with Foxy, Ernie, and Hef, isn't so sad and pathetic after all. Well, maybe a little sad and pathetic, but having a kid would make it even more sad. And we can't have that.
This week, though, I've encountered a few more of the hideously cute kids than I have of the sticky space cadet kids (do you remember the Mike Myers SNL skit, the Hyper Hypo, where he was a hyperactive kid bungeed to the jungle gym? Sometimes I feel like the jungle gym.). When the camp counselors have a sick child, they bring them to my office. Rarely are these children legitimately sick -- they're in a fight with their friends; they don't like their counselors, they don't want to go outside; or they just want to hang out with me because I'm so freaking cool. I really am. I mean, I do have a big comfy chair and every Dr. Seuss book, so I could see why kids would want to chill with me. Plus, I rarely make them do my work or take my phone calls.
The first cute kid of the week was Alice. I've known Alice for two years and now she's a big bad 7-year-old. I know I shouldn't say it, but she's always been one of my favorites. Her parents are big hippies and the whole family is just hilarious. Alice was in my office for a "stomach ache," but I think she just wanted to go home early because she was having a sleepover. Alice and I chatted for a solid hour. How often can you talk to a 7-year-old for that long? I have yet to accomplish the same feat with my own grandmother. The highlight of our conversation:
"So, Alice, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
(Seriously pondering this question.) "A masseuse. Definitely a masseuse."
"Really? A masseuse. Why do you want to be a mass--"
(She cuts me off.) "Or a lawyer. I want to be a lawyer, too."
"Wow, you're going to be really busy. How are you going to find time to--"
(She cuts me off again.) "I also want to be a gymnastics coach. I want to be a masseuse, a lawyer, and a gymnastics coach. But when I'm a teenager, I want to be a waitress."
I envy Alice. She has it all figured out.
The other really cute kid this week was another 7-year-old, Sabrina, who "hurt all over." We couldn't call her mom, though, because her mom's an anchor on the news and was, well, doing the news. Her parents are getting separated, and the poor kid has been having some issues. Plus, the A/C crashed in their classroom, sending the indoor temperature to 87 degrees, so I can see why she didn't want to hang out in there longer than she had to.
Sabrina is one of those kids who is full of questions. My phone would ring and Sabrina would be asking in the background,"Who are you talking to? Did they find a turtle with no mom? What's their favorite color?". She was loads of fun. She started giving me all sorts of tips on running the Nature Center. She thought that we should be open all the time, and not just for summer camp (which we are); she thought we should bring back the Halloween walk because her birthday is in late October (that walk was hell on earth; it will never happen again, no matter how cute she is); and she thought we were way better than our "rival" nature center (which we are).
She then took me out to the Museum to give me some tips on our exhibits. I was pretty impressed that, though, she had only been at the Nature Center for a few days of camp, she already grasped that the vast majority of our animals live there because they have a permanent injury. We have a massive aquarium that has nothing in it yet. Sabrina's thoughts on our newest exhibit:
"You could fill it with water, and then if someone finds a lobster without a claw, you could put it in there. Then if someone else finds a snail that doesn't have a shell, you could put it in the tank with the lobster, then the lobster wouldn't be lonely any more!"
I like that. The thought of a claw-less lobster making friends with a shell-less snail makes me warm inside. Raffi could write a song about them.
When Sabrina left my office to go to lunch with the kids in her camp, she told me she had fun with me, which was totally not the point. I don't want word spreading around the campers that I'm actually a nice person, then they'll have no reason to fear getting sent to my office when they misbehave. I also don't want the counselors thinking I'm not an uber-bitch because if anyone needs to fear me, it's them. But it still made me feel good. I'd much rather hang out with Alice and Sabrina than try to think of ways to make up the up-coming $70,000 budget shortfall.
But then some kid has to go and get his leg stuck in a chair, and all my happy kid thoughts are just puked on, just like the picnic tables were caught in the line of vomitory fire yesterday by some other snotnosed brat (I really believe he was hurling for fun and to make us clean up after him.). The only good part of kids like that is that you get to give them back at the end of the day. I don't need kids; my life with Foxy, Ernie, and Hef, isn't so sad and pathetic after all. Well, maybe a little sad and pathetic, but having a kid would make it even more sad. And we can't have that.
posted by BPDubs at 8:06 PM
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