Too Much Information, Vol. III: The Pits
First off, I'd like to shamelessly plug my other blog. I updated Lepidoptera Lady last night, so go over there and love those lepidoptera. Please? I'm just looking out for the newish blog on the block.
Onward.
If you've stood near me recently -- and really, who among you hasn't? -- you may have noticed a distinct aroma emanating from my armpits. The particular scent varies by the day. Some days you might smell a clean-laundry-like fragrance; other days my pits just smell straight up rank; and still other days my underarm area smells like a basket of baked goods. Indeed, there are scents a'plenty dwelling in my pits.
I wish I could take credit for this odiferous odyssey under my arms, but I really owe it to my recent venture into the world of aluminum-free deodorant. Deodorant/antiperspirant is a necessity down here; today, it was over 80 degrees at 6:30am when I walked Foxy. The humidity is so thick -- even in the early hours of the day -- that you can grab whole chunks of it and form it into balloon-animalesque shapes (I make a mean humidity poodle). I'm usually on my second shirt of the day by 9am; I just get so nasty and sweaty so quickly. So, I wear the deodorant/antiperspirant to minimize laundry and as a courtesy to others. I work with the public and I would like them to return to the nature center, and not be put off by the smelly girl.
I used Degree for awhile and it worked well. Then we got these nice white moisture-wicking Greg Norman golf shirts at work (the shirts were left over from a golf tournament fundraiser for the Nature Center. We would never buy $48 shirts 'just because.' I'm still awaiting approval on buying my own bottle of Wite-out). My fancy shirt was nice for a month or two. Then I noticed the stains. The round yellow stains ruining the only nice thing I had to wear to work.
I looked at some of my other white clothes and noticed similar stains. For a little while, I thought I had some super high-powered sweat coming out of my pores, capable of altering the chemical composition of cotton. It really seemed like I was producing some weapons-grade stuff in my armpits; I even considered harvesting it and selling it to the U.S. government, or at least a militia in Montana.
But then one day I read an article that shattered my dreams of assisting fringe political groups. The article said that aluminum in deodorant/antiperspirant caused yellow staining. Maybe this is common knowledge, but it was news to me, and that day I threw out my little teal friend -- it was the end of the road for me and Degree. No more would I allow it to wreck havoc on my whites.
What's funny is that I was well aware of the aluminum antiperspirant-breast cancer link, as well as the Alzheimer's link. Did that stop me? No, but the threat of permanently sullying my clothes surely did. It's nice to have priorities, isn't it?
The next step was to find an effective aluminum-free deodorant/antiperspirant. The whole foods store has quite a selection, but it's hard to tell which ones actually work, so I chose one with a snappy name: le Stick. The fresh gardenia scent was pleasing enough and the label claimed that this "natural deodorant absorbs excess perspiration, oils, and odors to give all day, all the time protection." Why, that's exactly what I was looking for! Who would have ever thought that the marketing folks would have put the exact words I was looking for on the label, causing me to buy their product? Amazing.
What I learned from le Stick is that I should never ever trust anything made by the Grandpa Brands Co. I've never been near any grandpa who smells like gardenias or who didn't appear sweaty at some point. Le Stick and I did not get along well. If by "all day, all the time protection" Grandpa meant "28 minutes," then I suppose le Stick was a good buy and not le Shit. But I would really like to make it to lunchtime without knocking myself out with my own stench.
I auditioned Tom's of Maine natural long-lasting deodorant stick in apricot next. Tom did more for me than Grandpa ever did; I was drier longer and my armpits smelled good enough to lick, or at least gnaw on with a cup of coffee. However, when I returned from vacation I thought the airline had stuffed pastries in my toiletry bag; the bag smelled all dessert-y. Turns out my apricot deodorant melted all over my toothbrush, floss stick, and nail clippers. No more Tom's.
The final contestant in Aluminum-Free Deodorant Idol was Adidas Absorbent-Deo with some sort of "Cotton Tech" (which is patented if you were wondering). This stuff is actually the best of the bunch. Not only do I not have to drive across town for it, but it handles odor well with its sporty scent -- "Fitness Fresh" to be precise; if I can't be athletic, at least my deodorant can -- and I guess it keeps me dry. Actually I feel more slimy than dry; the deodorant seems to congeal my sweat. When I'm in the heat I feel kind of gooey, but once I'm in some air conditioning, the slime disappears. It's incredible; must be the "Cotton Tech."
It's been a smelly journey, but the end is nigh. The bunny has been nibbling on me throughout this post, and I fear that he's going to start taking bigger chunks out of me soon. I must don body armor and put him back in the bathroom. If I don't post for several days, please alert the authorities as that probably means a rabbit is feasting on my corpse.
Onward.
If you've stood near me recently -- and really, who among you hasn't? -- you may have noticed a distinct aroma emanating from my armpits. The particular scent varies by the day. Some days you might smell a clean-laundry-like fragrance; other days my pits just smell straight up rank; and still other days my underarm area smells like a basket of baked goods. Indeed, there are scents a'plenty dwelling in my pits.
I wish I could take credit for this odiferous odyssey under my arms, but I really owe it to my recent venture into the world of aluminum-free deodorant. Deodorant/antiperspirant is a necessity down here; today, it was over 80 degrees at 6:30am when I walked Foxy. The humidity is so thick -- even in the early hours of the day -- that you can grab whole chunks of it and form it into balloon-animalesque shapes (I make a mean humidity poodle). I'm usually on my second shirt of the day by 9am; I just get so nasty and sweaty so quickly. So, I wear the deodorant/antiperspirant to minimize laundry and as a courtesy to others. I work with the public and I would like them to return to the nature center, and not be put off by the smelly girl.
I used Degree for awhile and it worked well. Then we got these nice white moisture-wicking Greg Norman golf shirts at work (the shirts were left over from a golf tournament fundraiser for the Nature Center. We would never buy $48 shirts 'just because.' I'm still awaiting approval on buying my own bottle of Wite-out). My fancy shirt was nice for a month or two. Then I noticed the stains. The round yellow stains ruining the only nice thing I had to wear to work.
I looked at some of my other white clothes and noticed similar stains. For a little while, I thought I had some super high-powered sweat coming out of my pores, capable of altering the chemical composition of cotton. It really seemed like I was producing some weapons-grade stuff in my armpits; I even considered harvesting it and selling it to the U.S. government, or at least a militia in Montana.
But then one day I read an article that shattered my dreams of assisting fringe political groups. The article said that aluminum in deodorant/antiperspirant caused yellow staining. Maybe this is common knowledge, but it was news to me, and that day I threw out my little teal friend -- it was the end of the road for me and Degree. No more would I allow it to wreck havoc on my whites.
What's funny is that I was well aware of the aluminum antiperspirant-breast cancer link, as well as the Alzheimer's link. Did that stop me? No, but the threat of permanently sullying my clothes surely did. It's nice to have priorities, isn't it?
The next step was to find an effective aluminum-free deodorant/antiperspirant. The whole foods store has quite a selection, but it's hard to tell which ones actually work, so I chose one with a snappy name: le Stick. The fresh gardenia scent was pleasing enough and the label claimed that this "natural deodorant absorbs excess perspiration, oils, and odors to give all day, all the time protection." Why, that's exactly what I was looking for! Who would have ever thought that the marketing folks would have put the exact words I was looking for on the label, causing me to buy their product? Amazing.
What I learned from le Stick is that I should never ever trust anything made by the Grandpa Brands Co. I've never been near any grandpa who smells like gardenias or who didn't appear sweaty at some point. Le Stick and I did not get along well. If by "all day, all the time protection" Grandpa meant "28 minutes," then I suppose le Stick was a good buy and not le Shit. But I would really like to make it to lunchtime without knocking myself out with my own stench.
I auditioned Tom's of Maine natural long-lasting deodorant stick in apricot next. Tom did more for me than Grandpa ever did; I was drier longer and my armpits smelled good enough to lick, or at least gnaw on with a cup of coffee. However, when I returned from vacation I thought the airline had stuffed pastries in my toiletry bag; the bag smelled all dessert-y. Turns out my apricot deodorant melted all over my toothbrush, floss stick, and nail clippers. No more Tom's.
The final contestant in Aluminum-Free Deodorant Idol was Adidas Absorbent-Deo with some sort of "Cotton Tech" (which is patented if you were wondering). This stuff is actually the best of the bunch. Not only do I not have to drive across town for it, but it handles odor well with its sporty scent -- "Fitness Fresh" to be precise; if I can't be athletic, at least my deodorant can -- and I guess it keeps me dry. Actually I feel more slimy than dry; the deodorant seems to congeal my sweat. When I'm in the heat I feel kind of gooey, but once I'm in some air conditioning, the slime disappears. It's incredible; must be the "Cotton Tech."
It's been a smelly journey, but the end is nigh. The bunny has been nibbling on me throughout this post, and I fear that he's going to start taking bigger chunks out of me soon. I must don body armor and put him back in the bathroom. If I don't post for several days, please alert the authorities as that probably means a rabbit is feasting on my corpse.
posted by BPDubs at 9:29 PM
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